Talking about money in general isn’t necessarily the most comfortable conversation. But what if you need to take the discussion a step further by having the “debt talk” with your partner? Working up the nerve could take months, years and sometimes it never happens.
In many relationships, people dodge money talk to avoid fights. But ignoring the issue won’t make it go away. In fact, it can cause more problems down the road, including a breakup or divorce.
Is it any wonder that finances are the leading cause of stress in a relationship? According to a survey by Sun Trust Bank, 35 percent of all respondents experiencing relationship stress said money was the primary cause of friction. And a NFEC Money and Relationships Survey found that just over 51% of respondents said they felt uneasy discussing money with anyone — including their romantic partner.
Hiding debt is never the answer if you want to maintain a healthy relationship. If your partner finds out on their own, it could breach their level of trust—and that’s hard to ever come back from. Owning up to it has many benefits and could even bring you and your partner closer together when approached delicately.
It’s important to define what led to your debt
Before you have such a serious conversation, think about the behavior that led to the debt. Losing your job or getting socked with an unexpected medical bill are circumstances beyond your control.
But if impulse spending is the culprit, it’s time to assess why you overspend. Does it give you a temporary high or perhaps you are overcompensating for growing up without a lot of possessions? Getting to the root of the issue is the first step in stopping the behavior.
It could also provide insight for your partner to see past the symptom (debt) and get to the heart of the manner. By understanding the “why”, they will be more likely to react with compassion rather than anger.
You should also organize your thoughts and figure out how much you owe. Be ready to show your partner all the bills and obligations you have, including your total credit card balances.
Have a plan in place before the conversation
Even better is if you implement a plan to show your partner how seriously you’re taking this matter. This will prove that you have accepted you have a problem and that paying off your debt has now become a priority. In a sense you’re not just confessing; you’re also doing something about it.
When to approach the topic of debt
There’s a time and place for everything. When it comes to such a sensitive topic, a quiet place where you both feel relaxed would be ideal. If you have kids, make sure they can’t interrupt this important discussion. If your partner seems stressed or tired after a long day at work, wait for a better moment.
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Give your partner space to digest the information
If you have ever kept bad news to yourself, you understand how the anticipation of sharing it with someone can take its toll. But once it is out in the open, it’s no longer a secret and the healing can begin. It will be quite the opposite for the person being blindsided by this news.
As the saying goes, “Hope for the best, prepare for the worst.” The odds are that your partner will initially feel betrayed and shocked. They might start thinking, “What else are you hiding from me?” Give them space to absorb the information and don’t be surprised if they need time to collect their thoughts. In time, they will be ready to sit down and talk.
Be prepared to answer questions
Your partner is bound to have questions like how you got into debt, how long you have been in this bind, and why you hid it. Be prepared to answer them fully and honestly. If you’re going to come clean, the best way to do it is by putting all your cards on the table.
Work together
Including your partner in the solution is a good way to rebuild trust. It could also help you determine the most effective way to solve financial issues as a couple moving forward. If your partner has ideas, be open to them. An objective viewpoint can provide a fresh perspective.
Carefully go over every bill together
Examine your bills to determine where there is room to cut. Do you need to order out four times a week? Are you putting that gym membership to use? The money you save can be redirected toward your debt for the time being.
This could also be a good time to discuss creating a budget and what it should include. Implementing a spending plan can help you avoid this situation in the future.
Set post-debt goals with your partner
There are two people in every relationship. While together you are a couple, you are also individuals with your own dreams and goals. Being in the midst of a money talk presents an opportune time to discuss your future financial priorities. If you’ve already had this type of discussion, check in to see if anything has changed.
Of course, paying off your debt is a top priority. But once you have, you will likely have extra money left over every month. Before you start spending it, it’s more important to save for goals big and small.
But do you really know what your partner wants? Both of you should discuss how you envision living your good life now and during retirement. If your other half eventually wants to live a simple life in the mountains while you have your sights set on Beverly Hills, compromise is needed. The sooner you get on the same page, the easier it will be to save money to fund your agreed-upon lifestyle.
If this whole process is overwhelming, you should seek out the help of a financial advisor or planner.
National Debt Relief can help you pay off your debt for less than you owe. You will also have the support of experts who can answer your questions and suggest strategies that can help you remain free of debt moving forward.
